“I definitely had all the symptoms, but I was still in belief that it was just because my skin was bad and when it clears I would be fine and back to my normal self. However, that was far from true.”
During school I always had comments made about my eyes which made me feel like they were abnormal, which really started affecting me more and more. By the age of 15, the thoughts I had about my face were extremely negative. This caused me to start trying to alter my appearance by wearing extremely heavy makeup. This included foundation, concealer, winged eyeliner and 2 pairs of stacked false lashes.
I would never leave the house without a full face of makeup, nor would I let anyone see me without it. Even to the point that when I went to friend’s houses for the night, I wouldn’t sleep all night in case my makeup came off – I didn’t want anyone to see my face without it.
I was under an immense amount of unnecessary stress in school which caused my skin to breakout and I developed acne. That was the point at which things got a whole lot worse. One morning I just locked the bathroom door and broke down in tears to my Mum saying, “I can’t go out or leave the house, my skin is a mess, it looks disgusting.” but I thought how I was feeling was normal for all teenage girls.
I went to the doctors, mainly for my skin problems as I didn’t want to leave the house or see anyone because of how bad I felt it was. I was given medication for my acne, however I still felt this was not helping and still felt my skin was disgusting. My parents were concerned and got CAMHS involved. I saw them twice and they said that was once my skin was better, I would be fine. Well, that left me even more fixated on fixing my skin.
For the next few years, I only left the house on occasions to go to medical appointments and only saw my family that I live with. I became so obsessed and fixated on my skin and making it perfectly clear. I would constantly check the mirror multiple times a day, seek reassurance from my Mum all the time and spend hours a day googling different ways to clear my skin.
When my skin was looking clear to my family, I could not see it. Every single time I would check the mirror and all I could see was ‘bad skin’ and no matter what my family said I did not believe them. I didn’t know what was going on and neither did my family. That was until I came across BDD while searching on google.
I definitely had all the symptoms, but I was still in belief that it was just because my skin was bad and when it clears and it is perfect I will be fine and back to my normal self. However, that was far from true.
I went back to the doctors as my parents were very concerned, and the doctors referred me to IAPT (now known as Talking Therapies within the NHS). I had low intensity talking therapy, which did not help at all, I just got worse. I was then put on a waiting list to have high intensity CBT which was 8-12 weeks waiting time. During the waiting time, I deteriorated so much and all the symptoms I was having heightened massively.
I couldn’t function properly with everyday tasks and life in general – the preoccupation with my skin was taking over! However, I would not take any other medication, only medication given to me by my a dermatologist because I was so worried it would negatively affect my skin and make it even worse.
I was having strong feelings of disgust about my skin/face, and I would constantly make statements like ‘my face is a mess’, ‘my skin is disgusting’, ‘I can’t live with my skin looking like this’ and ‘no one deserves to see this absolute monstrosity of a face that I have!’
When it came to starting the CBT, I couldn’t carry on with the sessions because I would not leave the house.
I developed such a strong feeling that I deserved to be punished for how disgusting my skin/face was, especially every time I saw my reflection through the mirror, and then that is when I started self-harming as a form of self-punishment for how disgusting my skin was and I tried to end my life because I could not see any future at all as long as I had my skin/face. I remember actually feeling like I didn’t belong on this planet because of how abnormal and disgusting I was because of my skin.
My parents were extremely worried and concerned and had to do what they could to help me. I ended up getting sectioned under the MHA and taken to hospital as my parents were told I would get the right help this way.
That is when I got the official diagnosis of BDD.
However, during the 3 years I was sectioned for, I was moved around to 6 different hospitals and didn’t end up getting the help I needed due to the lack of knowledge and understanding of BDD and also because they were trying to save money. Instead, I was put through a traumatic experience and mistreated in many ways.
I became even worse than I was before going into hospital. I eventually was given an assessment by Professor David Veale which my parents had to fight for and I was diagnosed with severe BDD.
My parents ended up getting me out of hospital as I was not getting the help I needed, and I was also diagnosed with FND and needed to use a wheelchair from the trauma I went through in those settings.
I have followed the BDD Foundation for years on social media and got support from them, so when I got out of hospital and I was at home, I was extremely fortunate enough to get a place on the Overcoming BDD Programme, which is a peer-led, self-help therapy group offering many CBT techniques to help manage BDD. It helped me massively and I was supported through things I never thought I would be able to do, considering how severe my BDD was. I received nothing but genuine understanding shown throughout. I will always be grateful for the help I received from the Foundation.
Now I am able to leave the house and actually live my life. Yes of course, I do sometimes have bad days where I feel like I don’t want to go out but, that is nothing compared to before! I have so much coming up to look forward to and I am beyond excited.
So, my advice to people who may have just read my story and can relate or know someone who can, please do not be afraid or even ashamed to reach out, especially to the BDD Foundation. I know myself from my own personal lived experience with BDD how awful, isolating and soul- destroying it can be. But what I do know is, I got through it… so YOU can too!
